My life is just like everyone‘s life...perhaps longer working hour...that's it..
U know...when I said this is not I want to do....I dunno how to explain to u...neither do I would like to complain..cos I know many people work even longer hour..even worse than me....so I think I dun have the right to complain..
In the hospital..the moment I step in..i never stop working till the moment I leave...many times..really I forgot how many times...there were people..either patients..or just visitors..asking me to do them a favor...e.g. one day I was running down to radiology dept...and one patient on the wheelchair asked me to push her to the lift...I didn't have time to stop by but responded to her: do u mind to ask the nurse there to help u? I'm very busy right now...then quickily ran off...
Since when...really since when...I behaved like that...since when I started to ignore people request...since when I only think of my own work...in the past when i was still studying ...i meant back in school time...I wished to at least do something meaningful to help people..either volunteer..or just a simple thing everyday...just to offer help..even to help a friend to make a photocopy of a note....i didn't seem to catch the chances unless i was volunteering in charitable events...i always think..it's not easy just to offer help to others just by coincidence in daily life..right?
But now...look at me...look at myself...I already a devil...after the end of the day..i felt surprisingly bad...i kept asking myself..why did i reject her request..what kind of person I'm now?? I'm very busy ...i know...so what?? ...so what ? Now I have plenty of chances to help people in the hospital..seriously..but I have changed...I tried my best to avoid trouble...after one after another experience of being taking advantage by people to do job that I'm not supposed to do...I have learned...learned to be selfish ..learned to be self-protected..learned to be cool...
That's me now.......this is not I want to do..I dunno why I'm working hard for..just to make more money into my doctor's pocket..that's it i guess...even my residents..(the doctors who studying specialist now)..they just want to avoid problem...if u tell them..the patient complains of hip pain...she has difficulty in walking..can I increase her medication?...he will just ask u dun do unnecessary thing..just ignore her complaint..and then send her home as soon as possible......
Many people came to the hospitals..just to wait to die...many times..the nurses or the doctors..will say..such and such patient..he is dying now..meaning he is in the process of dying...when I was on-call...i went to see a patient in pain again..the nurse paged me..Mr XX is in pain ..he is dying..I went in: the patient was still conscious but very difficult in breathing..he said he had chest pain...I went to ask the doctor..can I give him some morphine..he said NO...I knew the patient is dying..everyone included the family expected that...but why can't we at least make him dies more comfortably? ....
I often get offended..emotional..to the doctors I'm working with..I hate those who act superior to me...i hate those who order me to do thing...u are not my boss..i dun get paid from any of the so call doctor...so when u want me to do thing: u should ask in a polite way..not to order me...this is my attitude...even u are a senior doctor..when u make a mistake..I still expect an apologize from u...i guess..I'm a hard person to work with...whatever u like to think of me..even tot I'm still just a medical student...I still deserve respect from everyone....because I believe....there is still justice here...u need to put in ur effort..ur heart to care in medicine..otherwise..dun come into medicine..if u think u can take leave whenever u like..dun come into medicine..if u think u can choose whenever u like to on-call to maximize ur partying time..dun come into medicine..if u think u have to go home earlier bcos ur wife or gf is waiting..dun come into medicine...
What am i doing now?? Someone pls come and tell me...I hate myself so much..
Luv,
grace
